Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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