You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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