Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
