if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
