So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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