Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
