Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you had me at cake vodka
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
