U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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