Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
