how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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