your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
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My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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