that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Drake has all the answers
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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