My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
