Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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