So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
