Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
