It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
