i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
