I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
