dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
