I bet he comes in French.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
