If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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