I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
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i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing