Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.