Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
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You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
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That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.