Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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