On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We need to get me chipped asap
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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