walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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