i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Mom said you looked used
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
