i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
