I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
