So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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