I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
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This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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