We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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