you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
