How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
