Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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