I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
