There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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