a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
