I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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