Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
