So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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