There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
