I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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