Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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