I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dignity is for republicans.
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.