I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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