So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
