ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
