Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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