There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
