you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
