Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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