I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
