i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
