I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
