Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My dick has a subreddit
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
