Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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