Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
